On loss.
This week, my brother should have turned 45. Unfortunately he was taken far too soon at just the age 30. It's been 15 years since he passed away and yet the pain and the memories of his loss never truly disappear. The pain will fade into the background, hidden amongst the emotions and distractions of everyday life. But it can and does resurface. Specific dates, memories or experiences can bring that pain right back into my chest and I feel a heavy sense of loss all over again.
That happend hard this week, because of his birthday but also because a good friend of mine, Nick Booth, was sadly also taken too soon and passed away this month well before he was ready to go and well before we were ready to let him go. He was a wonderful man who himself suffered with the pain of grief after his friend and business partner died suddenly, also taken far too soon. I remember sitting with Nick in Impact Hub Birmingham, talking about this pain we shared, discussing how we found ways of coping and sharing our concerns about our health with each other openly and frankly. It was a type of therapy for us both I think and I hope that I was able to offer the same sense to support that he gave me.
A lot of things have happened and changed in my life since my brother passed. We have a daughter who is 11 years old who never met Matt, but she still has a sense of a bond with him. A popular request of hers is to hear stories about him when were growing up and the sort of things we got up to. She particularly likes the ones where one of us was getting into trouble or when our sister had to put up with us doing daft things. I don't personally believe in an afterlife as a place but I do believe that people can live on for much longer than their short time on earth has allowed them. Through the stories we tell each other and the memories we share of how our loved ones made us feel they gain an immortality that allows them to live on and in some way. Their love can be passed to others for them to feel too and cherish too.
Nick was a wonderful storyteller who relished the beauty in other people which may have been passed over by others. His ability to sit and listen intently unlocked the hearts of many and gave him a special place in different communities. He could also be quite a grumpy sod when he wanted to be but that never translated into nastiness or an unnecessary cynicism. He believed in lifting others up and championing the good in all rather than looking to knock people down.
One of his favourite things to talk about was the Loop of Generosity, https://podnosh.com/blog/tag/loop-of-generosity/, a way of seeing the world and relationships, a way to go beyond the transactional nature that modern society often drives us towards. He would spend time and energy investing into people and communities that needed it, not for a simple financial or egotistical return. Instead he wanted to store generosity and kindness in others, in the hope that would also pass on this generosity. The type of virtous cycle of many preach but few are able to genuinely practice.
I would like to add to this a sort of loop of love and kindness which can be passed on from one another by sharing stories and feelings for those we have lost. Its through this that we can smile and laugh about these special people, to create a small sense that they are still with us and provide solace in darkness.
Nick and I were due to start building a workshop in his house that he has been talking about for at least the last 10 years. He wanted to learn more about construction, about building spaces and he wanted to do more things that made him happy. He struggled with the loss of Steph, he also struggled during lockdown I think but the sparkle was returning to his eyes. I saw him a few days before he passed to discuss the build, he made us tea, he wanted to know how I was doing and he wanted to make plans for the future. A future full of generosity and love.
I will miss Nick a lot, just like I miss my brother a lot. I feel deeply sad for his family who will be struggling at this time. I hope they know how deeply and widely he was loved through our city and beyond. And that he will live on in our hearts, he will live on in the memories we share, through conversations and laughter, and through that loop of generosity. I will try to continue and pass on the generosity that I believe he would want us to in both the small and big ways each day.
